My last post was in July of 2011. I'll try to forget about that for the time being and concentrate on blogging more - if only for my own sanity and failing memory.
I spent my NYE and New Years Day at home in a state of perpetual misery. I have diagnosed myself with a sinus infection. Not being able to breathe is way up there on things I would rather live without. I missed church this morning. A huge bummer since I was supposed to help in Selah Jade's class. I miss those kids. Instead, I got to drag myself down to the after hours clinic and see a nurse practitioner with maybe a week worth of experience. I made the mistake of telling her that was my career goal right off the bat and she spent the rest of our time together trying to further my education. It would have been better received if I could hear anything, but alas, sinus infection.
Got home, took my antibiotic and tried to stay conscious to watch my team play what could have been their last game of the season. They lost, but they're going to the playoffs anyway because some other team's hopes were dashed. I don't know... like I was saying, brains a little fuzzy.
Tried to sleep and I just couldn't. I took a hot shower, but that didn't really help so I'm up writing in the living room so my poor husband doesn't get disturbed by my blowing my nose every 45 seconds.
We're expecting a new baby in July and I'm riding the fence about an important issue. Theology and head colds don't usually mesh well so forgive me if this comes out a bit warbled. Is warbled a word?
Is it right to tell God not to bless you any more? Isn't it a slap in his face to get one's tubes tied and say, "I'm deciding I know what's best for me. I don't want your input." We can reason it to death. I don't have the patience. I don't have the finances. I'm tired of the baby stage. I want the best quality life for the kids I already have. Is it not true that God finances his own projects? Is it so hard to trust that God would provide for children he gives when the reason you have them is because you were trusting him in the first place?
I'm having a hard time articulating here. I don't want to do the "mommy" thing for 40 years. I'd like to enjoy my husband and our retirement together. I'd like to drive something other than a bus. I'd like to finish up school and reach my career goals. I'd like to take family vacations without an infant. I'd like to have a date night where we didn't pay more for sitters for all the kids than we got to spend on ourselves for our date, but is this all just selfishness? Moses didn't want to go through all that BS with pharoah. Paul didn't want to be a nomad preacher. I'm willing to give my life to God for him to use as he sees fit. I guess I just need some wise council to figure out what God's opinion really is. Maybe if we left it in his hands, we wouldn't have any more anyway. My greatest fear... dread... is to have my youngest be a teenager and find out I'm pregnant.
That. Would. Be. Awful.
I'd like to be done after this one. That would give us 4. That's a big family by today's standards. When you consider my oldest right now is 5 and I'll have 4 kids before I'm 25, I'd say that's plenty. But I just have this seed in my spirit. I have to find out if tying the equipment up is wrong. Honestly, I'm afraid of the answer I'll get.
pray about getting your tubes tied. i'll pray for you as well, that ya'll will know what decision is the right decision for you. there are times i think should i have really gotten it done, but at the end of the day I feel that God knows my limits better than i know them & it was in our best interest in all aspects (money,food,housing,schooling,activities,sanity) that 2 was the magic number for us. and if for some reason down the line that was wrong then i suppose God will have my tubal fail :)
ReplyDeleteTubals fail all the time, my theory is that if we have another after tubal THAT was Gods plan. I agree with Starr about praying about it though.
ReplyDelete