Potty Hostage

Most of my posts tend to revolve around my youngest lately. I've thought about why that is and all I can think of is she is the one keeping me on my toes. Like today when I had to clean up smeared poo all over the bathroom because she didn't want to wait for me to be ready to potty train her. She's ready NOW. When I wasn't a willing participant, she took it upon herself to get'r'done.

Bad Mama. I know. I'm onthe ball now. We'll spend tomorrow in panties. ::shudder:: I really hate potty training. It's the worst part about having a two-year-old. The fits? No problem. The screaming? No sweat. Stepping on a wet spot on the carpet that you didn't know about? THE WORST. Sometimes I walk into a room and feel like I can smell urine. Then I crawl around like a crazy person sniffing the carpet thinking someone peed and it DRIED on there. Oh the horror.

So if anyone has any encouragement, words of wisdom, xanax... (kidding about that last one... pregnant and what not.) I'm all ears. I'm just not ready to be a potty hostage. I guess I just need an attitude adjustment. She's 2.5 for heaven sake. Well, here we go!

I... am so sorry.

You know that verbal diarrhea that rude people get whenever they see a pregnant woman? You know those tactless people who say things like "Let me tell you about how horrible my labor/delivery was..."

::sigh::

I have been one of those people. My crime: fawning over baby boys. See, I have a boy. I think he's the greatest thing since... well I can't even think of anything to compare him to. He holds a special place in my heart that only a son could. So what's the problem?

I also have three daughters.

Each time I discovered I was pregnant, I hoped it was another boy. I wanted to duplicate the love and relationship I had with my first born. When #2 was a girl, I was okay with it. Hubs really wanted a girl so I thought "Well, I have one and now you have one." Healthy, I know... It doesn't really help that our personalities conflict so we haven't even been THAT close. She is definitely a Daddy's Girl if ever there was one.

But then #3, just a few months later, was a girl. My whole pregnancy with her I felt defensive. You can only hear "Was it planned?!?" "How old is your youngest?!" "You know what causes that, don't you?!" so many times before you develop a bitterness to everyone who so much as glances at your stomach. Up until the day she was born I was, in a way, apologizing to everyone for being pregnant. Then she was born and I looked into her sweet face...

She was perfect. She was beautiful. She wasn't a consolation prize. She was my DAUGHTER and I was absolutely head over heels in LOVE. I bonded with her immediately in a way I hadn't experienced with my first two. I spent the whole first night just staring into her sweet face. I was so convicted. How could I have been resentful that this little girl was mine? How DARE I feel that way?!

#3 is 2.5 years old now. She's laying here beside me while #1 is at school and #2 watches TV. She'd rather be next to me, whatever I'm doing. She's an amazing little girl. Sometimes when I think about how much I love her, I feel like my heart will explode.

When they said, "Looks female" about #4, my heart skipped a beat.  It isn't gender that determines your connection to a child. It isn't gender that dictates their worth. I love ALL of my children equally. We are beyond excited about our new little girl.

So, young mother of that baby girl, I am SO sorry for spewing my preference for baby boys in front of you. I'm guilty of gushing on and on about little boys and how they're my FAVORITE right in front of mothers of little girls. And you know what? That just isn't true. I wouldn't trade a single one of my girls in for a boy. My son is amazing. So are my daughters.

The next time someone comes up to you and starts up the mouth with no filter, remember they're not TRYING to make you feel bad. They're just an idiot... like me.

A toddler scorned

I have a two-year-old with a personality that barely fits into her tiny 26 pound body. 

She loves to go to church. She loves her class and she loves her friends. Since she's there 3 times each week for different things, she's very used to these people and classrooms. BUT. When we go on Tuesday mornings.  ::deep breath:: 

"I don't want to go to my class!"

"Why not? Don't you want to play with your friends?"

"No. I want to stay with mama."

"You can do a puzzle with Brooklynn. See? Brooklyn needs a friend to play with."

"No. She's fine. I'll stay with you."

When I came back to pick her up 2 hours later, they said... "Uhh, we had some problems. For an hour. She just stood there at the glass by the door and was angry." This meant she had stood there for an hour plotting my demise. She's not the type to throw an all out walleye fit (usually...) but she lets you know she. is. mad. She gives me the stink eye. She won't hold my hand. Shoot, she wouldn't even walk with me to the car. She trailed 5 feet behind me like she didn't want to be seen together.

By the time we got home she was fine. She is once again "Mommy's Woogie" but just wait until the next time I tick her off. Oh the teen years should be a blast. And she'll just be one of four teenagers in the house. Looks like I may have bigger issues than the grocery bill at that point.

Perspective

I'm feeling like Eeyore today so I'm going to write a post of 12 GOOD things I can think about and be thankful for. What better way to pull myself out of a funk?

1. My whole family is HEALTHY! This is huge y'all. At least one of the kids is usually sniffling or something, but right now we have a whole house of healthy people. Can I get an amen?!?

2. Spring is here! While today that means storms and sideways rain, it also means t-shirts and kids getting to play outside! Woohoo! It also means baby birds tweeting and ducks to feed at the park. :) We're saving our bread heels.

3. BOTH the kid rooms are clean. Yes, you read that correctly.

4. We are BLESSED beyond measure as evidenced by all the clothes I need to fold. Most of them I didn't even have to pay for. They're either handed down or gifted to us. Super awesome.

5. Chris was able to fix the blinds in the girls room that I thought were broken. I had SUCH a bad attitude when I saw them. I thought they were hopeless but Dad comes to the rescue every time.

6. I HAVE A HOUSE! While I may grumble about it from time to time, all I need to do is flash back to apartment (or even duplex) living and voila! I'm cured! Having my own house is such a blessing. I can paint if I want to and you know what? I want to.

7. We aren't a TV centered household. My kids are smart and funny and creative. They make things and play pretend instead of asking to watch TV. You should see some of the games they invent. They're actually pretty good.

8. My husband has a good job. He isn't on the chopping block worried about if he'll have it next month. He has awesome hours, awesome benefits, and awesome coworkers. Him being happy at works makes me happy. I remember what it was like to hate a job and still have to go in every day because you needed the money. So thankful that isn't a daily reality for him.

9. I'm in school! I can't wait to go to class every week and learn more about the field I love.

10. I live in a fantastic area. There is super low crime. The schools are good. There are 57 protestant churches in the city limits. There are tons of good people and good causes centered here. We love it.

11. I'm having a baby! EEEEEEEK! I don't think anyone really realizes how much this baby was wanted and prayed for. While we may get the occasional, "ANOTHER ONE?!?!" We know we are richly blessed and can't WAIT to welcome this little one into our home.

12. I have the most solid marriage out of anyone I know. Due mainly to my amazing husband who really is my rock. He's way more than I could have asked for and definitely more than I deserve.

Sickies

Isla has been really sick lately. She has run a fever and near about coughed up her ever-lovin' lungs.

I've figured out that if I wake up and keep her medicated, she sleeps a lot better. Poor thing is miserable if I let her fever flare back up. I've been known to make a midnight run to Walgreens when I don't gauge how much ibuprofen we have very well.

Still, as long as we have books to read and another round of ABCs to sing we're doing alright. God bless the library.

Duct tape baseball

At the suggestion of my GENIUS mother-in-law, I took a piece of string and tied a duct tape ball to one end. I looped the other end around a nail in a doorway, gave my toddler a kitchen utensil and told her to go to town! My 2-year-old and 3-year-old absolutely love this. It keeps them occupied for quite a while. This comes in super handy when I'm trying to cook dinner or help their older brother with homework. :) 

The best part is when they're done, you just wrap the string around it and throw it in a drawer to pull out another time! It's like they've never seen it before every time and it's just as much fun.

What love is

I love the quote about fathers that says, "The best gift a father could give his children is to love their mother." The truth contained in that statement is phenomenal. A father loving his daughter's mother teaches her that she is worth loving and models how she should be treated in a relationship. A father loving his son's mother shows that boy how to be a man and how to treat a woman. Wow.

My Dad traveled a lot for work and sometimes we didn't go with him. The model wasn't there. I think I looked to my grandparents by default. I remember my Grandad being my whole world. Any time he and Granny went on vacation, they picked me and my cousin up on the way out. Granny was an iron fist. She would paddle me if I needed it and she'd give you a swat too if she felt like you could benefit from it. She really fit more into a mothering role than a grandmother. Grandad never said a harsh word to us kids. He was the one waiting there with a piece of candy to mend our broken hearts after Granny had pulled a switch from the tree (which we totally deserved, by the way.)

Summer of 1999 (I think?) they drove down to see us on the Texas coast. We decided to jog over to Galveston for a few days so as not to break the Summer vacation streak we had running. We walked the strip I was all too familiar with until time to have dinner. We passed this warehouse looking building that was an Italian restaurant called Mario's. It was Granny's idea to eat at "Mary-o's" that night. My cousin and I being the NES champs that we were promptly corrected her. "Granny, it's Ma-ree-oh's." This happened a couple more times through out the evening just in conversation. Then, out of nowhere, our world got rocked. 

"You kids stop correcting your Granny! If she wants to say it that way, she will! You shut your mouths about it!" 

I spent the next hour crying quietly into my sleeve and my cousin spent it sick in the restaurant bathroom. Talk about heart break. That is the only time in my life I can ever recall him saying a harsh word to any of us kids and I still remember the sinking feeling in my chest that came with it. I would rather Granny had picked up a switch there on the side of the Galveston strip and let me have it. 

Know what that taught me? (Other than to keep my mouth shut, thank you very much.) I know for an absolute fact that my Grandad loves me more than anything in this world. That didn't change that Summer, but what he made sure we knew was that Granny is his WIFE, and favorite kids in the world or not, you mess with her, you get the wrath of the man who loves her. That planted a seed in me way back then that means so much more to me now. It's really amazing. They've been married for 51 years. I know for a fact, to this day, if you tried to confront my Granny, you'd have to go through him first. You know, that's just the way it should be.

My grandparents on their 50th wedding anniversary last year. <3

Something your Mama would say

Know what I love? Saying something over and over and over. Trying to get my point across about something and no one is listening. Then someone else comes by and whispers the same. exact. thing. and everyone says, "Oh! What a great thought/idea/solution/opinion!" Yeah... that's always nice. Especially when you're pretty sure the whisperer took it from you in the first place. Even if they didn't, LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! Quit ignoring the people in your life. It was OBVIOUSLY something worth hearing if you were so jazzed to hear it second hand. Just imagine if you had been on the wagon when it originally came though! Please, don't drown out people who are talking to you. It's so frustrating (obviously) and demoralizing - not to mention painfully obvious. Please just treat people the way you would like to be treated.

Bob! Don't marry that harpy!

Al: Hey, you know how it is when you see someone that you haven't seen since high school, and they got some dead-end job, and they're married to some woman that hates them, they got three kids who, like, think he's a joke? Wasn't there some point where you stood back and said, "Bob, don't take that job! Bob, don't marry that harpy!" You know?

Dirk: Your point?

Al: Well, we're in the desert, looking for the source of a river pollutant, using as our map a cave drawing of a Civil War gunship, which is also in the desert. So I was just wondering when we're gonna have to sit down and re-evaluate our decision-making paradigm?

Sahara has got to be one of my very favorite movies. 

I have a super short attention span lately... or so it seems. I can watch an infinite number of consecutive Bones episodes, but if you ask me if I want to sit and watch a movie, I shy away from a commitment of that magnitude. An hour and a half of sitting in the same spot I've BEEN sitting for the past hour?! Lets not go crazy.

I love a good movie. Shoot, I've sat through ALL THREE Lord of the Rings movies with my Hubs. I'm not sure why a movie in the evening spooks me. It's not like I have anything else to do at 10pm on a Monday, right?! Must be the hormones.

He didn't say "some things."

Recently I've been thinking a lot about Romans 8:28. It says, "all things work together for good for those who love God for those called according to his purpose."

Last week at church our pastor did a whole sermon about that verse. One of the points he made was that the verse doesn't say we'll be able to see it all come together for good in the end. We just have to know that it will. He also said that sometimes God lets us see it come together in hind sight.

When I was about 2-years-old we had a gas stove with a mind of it's own. It gave my mom grief trying to light the pilot on it every now and then. My mom is smart. She knew the basic things you need to do to be safe and she certainly knew how to use a gas stove. Nevertheless, the stove turned in it's notice one day and blew up in her face as she tried to light it. It sent a fire ball out that covered the entire top half of her body. It burned her hands, neck, and face really badly. My Dad is a safety engineer and immediately jumped into action. He threw a blanket over her to put out the flames and then held her kicking and screaming in a cold shower for 15 minutes. She said being in that shower was more painful than being on fire. She didn't stop cursing him for a week - or so he says. I was 2, remember? Him holding her under that water saved her from SERIOUS, long-lasting injury. Because he acted so quickly, you can't even really see any scars on her. She came out of that horrible situation as well as could be hoped.

My Mom loves God. She knows Romans 8:28 by heart but struggled with WHY that had to happen to her. Nothing good could come out of being a human fire ball and then tortured.

When I was in 8th grade, we moved for the umpteenth time (Safety engineers move more often than the military I swear.) to a little town outside of Fort Worth, Texas called Decatur. We'd been in the house all of a week maybe. My Dad was off working crazy long days at his new project site when my baby sister, Natalee, who was just a toddler at the time pulled a pot off the stove and spilled boiling soup all over the front of her naked-except-for-a-diaper body. Her skin started falling off her stomach in sheets like it was melting. It was so horrible and gruesome. I couldn't do anything but stand there in shock. Without missing a beat, my Mom scooped her up and carried her up the stairs as fast as she could. She stood in the freezing cold shower with my sister, fully clothed, water running everywhere for a good 15 minutes while I called 911.

I can still remember the sounds of my sister screaming and my mom crying as she had to hold her down.

Since my Dad wasn't home, I rode in the ambulance with Natalee while my mom and other sister followed behind us in the van. My Dad met us at the hospital where I remember hearing the doctors telling my parents how badly Nat had been burned. The one part of the conversation I remember perfectly clearly was the doctor saying if my Mom hadn't held her under that cold shower to stop the burn from moving deeper into her tissues, she may not be alive. All of her vital organs were directly in the path of that burn.

My Dad wasn't home. This isn't something couples sit around and talk about in the evenings. Had that stove not blown up in my Mom's face, she wouldn't have known how to save my sister's life.

"ALL THINGS work together for GOOD for those who love God for those called according to His purpose."

Thank you so much Lord for giving us little glimpses into your plan. Thank you for the opportunity to see it come together and see how a tragic event was your mercy in disguise.

Me and my sister, Natalee.

I'm feeling sentimental today. My anniversary is coming up. I will have been married to the love of my life for 5 years. I think back to the crazy person I was before I found my other half and I completely understand why so many people are looking for what I have - a person to spend forever with. A HAPPY FOREVER! Honestly, we have our ups and downs. Most of those downs were in the 1st year - Ugh... But we have NEVER considered divorce. We have never said anything in the heat of the moment that we couldn't take back. Never walked out on each other.

I really truely believe he is the greatest man on the planet. I think he's the best possible father and husband this life has to offer. I often wonder how in the WORLD he ended up with a girl like me. I don't understand God's hand, but I. Am. So. Thankful. That man is my rock. He's there for me no matter how many days it's been since I showered and no matter how bad I'm feeling. (Because it's been time for bed and I'm still in my jammies from yesterday!)

He's amazing. I love him with my whole, entire heart. I could never be this happy with anyone else. He is my soul mate for sure. I love you Chris. <3

My eyes are getting itchy

Today was the first day of my semester. My three hour class took all of 30 minutes. I guess she figured we would need the rest of the time to go BUY and LOOK OVER our syllabus. The thing is easily 150 pages and cost me $8.50 at a print shop. I don't think I've ever had a syllabus over 5 pages in the 7 years I've been in college. Welcome to the nursing program! It's like death on paper, but I'm excited and I already have it highlighted and tabbed appropriately.

I have someone from pretty much every branch of the medical field tied to my family in some way. My mother-in-law works for the surgeon that will be taking Noah's tonsils and adenoids out this month. Chris' grandmother works for an ophthalmologist. So I called her today to ask about Noah's pink eye. Verdict is as I feared - it's almost a certainty it will work it's way through all three kids so get him to the doc for some antibiotic eye drops stat. Will do. Are anyone else's eyes feeling itchy? O_o

I'm sure his school is going to be THRILLED that he missed a week of school for something other than the tonsillectomy I warned them about. Missing 2 weeks of school in a month - albeit not consecutive weeks - is nothing to sneeze at. Hopefully he isn't scarred for life. I'm rolling my eyes over here... since, you know, sarcasm doesn't translate well in print. He's a smart kid and he'll catch up. Shoot, all he's doing is sitting around reading books through his goopy eyes anyway. That and watching lots of TV, but lets stick to the book story, K?

Seriously... my eyes are starting to itch. Where is the lysol?!

Why?!

WHY does jello take so long to set up? If I wanted jello 12 hours from now, I'd make it then. The pre-made jello packs are not the same. They're not the right consistency. Such a pain in the rear.

WHY don't people change their address when they move?! I've lived in this house for 2.5 YEARS and I still get mail for the people we bought it from... AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED HERE BEFORE THEM. Seriously.

Rats!

I can't believe I missed posting yesterday! Not that I had anything go on to write home about.

I got all 3 kids to church (ON TIME! Woot!) by myself while Chris stayed home and tried his best to feel better. This time of year is killer on the medical budget. Speaking of, time to take my antibiotic.

School started this week. It's going to be interesting only taking one class this semester. Somehow only taking one class is way more intimidating to me than taking a full course load.

Tomorrow is my Lovey's birthday. I'm so proud to be his wife. He really is the greatest guy in the whole world. <3 Happy Birthday, Chris! I love you so much!

Spring break!

All this week the weather has been absolutely amazing. Right now, I have every window in the house open and I can't get enough of the breeze. The sun is out. That's kind of rare for this time of year when the days are short and the skies are overcast. It's just been such a blessing to have this break from winter. It's like a real "Spring break." :)

The other side of that coin is that my grass needs to be mowed. Ha! I'll take it.

After being inside and watching a ton of tv while I haven't been up to par, the kids are so excited to get outside and play. Sidewalk chalk, soccer balls, tricycles. It's been glorious.

Ow.

Tomorrow is going to be quite a day. It will be the 140th day in a row that I've lived with a headache.

It all started August 21st when I had to go in to the ER to get a CAT scan and some blood work due to an episode of vertigo. My head wasn't hurting at the time, but after they gave me a cocktail of different meds in the ER to fix the dizziness, my head was KILLING ME. Their best guess was ocular migraines. Since then, I've had a headache every day. Since I'm pregnant, I can't take anything. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't had a migraine every day. It's always there and it's always in my way, but it isn't debilitating - most of the time.

Also, the pregnancy was planned and prayed for so it's not holding me back from treatment. When we originally opened the bill from the hospital where they charged us our first born for the inconclusive CAT scan, we pretty much decided right then that unless I start seizing all over the floor, this issue (that is not life threatening - only thing we learned from the ER visit) would have to wait.

Sometimes it really doesn't bother me or even command my attention through the day. Other days, like this whole past week, it's been a little worse. Hoping I get a nice surprise and wake up without one tomorrow. 139 is enough.

On a happier note, today is my Granny and Grandad's 51st anniversary! How awesome is that?!

Winnie the what?

I had to take my smallest to the doctor a couple days ago. While we're waiting for the doctor to come in, she hands me a book that she would like for me to read to her. It's a board book with AA Milne's famous bear all over the cover. She climbs up on my lap and says, "Poot Mama!"

What?!

"Poot! Mama read Poot!"

We're going to have to work on that one. ::giggle::

Ghost dogs

I had heard Jack howl exactly one time in his life. It was a weird sounding fire truck or something, but the point being, he doesn't make it a habit. He likes to have "conversations" with the dog next door through the fence, but mostly, he likes to be inside chilling out and watching the kids play.

Fast forward to last night at about ONE AM. I hadn't quite fallen back to sleep from when Selah Jade had needed me earlier. I'm aaaaalmost there and I hear AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! from INSIDE my house.

Wolves freak me out like nobody's business. The whole reason I was hesitant to get a bigger dog (and the reason I don't walk around in the woods at night) was because of the wild dog thing. Packs of dogs just give me the creeps.  

So, recap. My dog, who should be sleeping, is howling in the house. Seriously? My first thought is that something was wrong. I got up (after I summoned the nerve) and checked on him. He was asleep. 

Wait... what?

Now I'm creeped out for sure. What's going on?!? I know I'm not hearing things. I woke Chris up and he heard it too. So either my dog was howling in his sleep (and didn't wake up?!?) or... he's the worlds fastest okay-I-got-that-out-of-my-system-now-I'm-going-to-fall-asleep-in-record-time dog.

That or I have a ghost dog in my house. Thanks for all THOSE stories growing up, Dad.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Christmas is over. This year we had a great season. Four different Christmases with family and food. What gets better than that?! We ALMOST finished everything we planned for advent. Whoops. We talked to the kids about why we celebrate Christmas and why we don't. I asked Noah not to ruin the Santa thing for the kids in his class, but he's a 5-year-old with a dirty little secret so we'll see how it goes. 

I'd like to leave the tree up until January 6th. It's the 12th day of Christmas and just seems like the right thing to do. If someone shows up with 9 drummers drumming today, I'll kick them. Somehow, with being sick and the stress of Noah's surgery coming up, I just don't want to take it down. But I don't want it up either. I'm ready to reclaim my house and get it in order. Since I'll only be taking one class this next semester, I should have plenty of time, right?! 

Honey, where's the baby?

Me - "I hate to wake you... and not to be weird, but... I can't find Isla."

Chris- "What?"

Me - "I've looked all over the house twice. Even under beds. She's SUPPOSED to be napping. I can't find her."

After looking like crazy people, we finally found her behind a door. She's so small that the door completely opened even with her behind it. She was very proud of herself for having pulled one over on us and I'm sure she was confused when my laugh of oh-my-goodness-I'm-so-glad-I-found-you turned into a pat on the butt for scaring me to death. And also for being out of her bed playing around when she's supposed to be napping.

After an hour of the up and down, we let her get up. I wasn't going to have her waking up her sister. After everyone was up and had joined me on the couch, it took about 10 minutes before she slumped over and fell asleep on top of her sister - who didn't find it as funny as I did since they weigh pretty much the same. Still.

Now she's sleeping and I'm sure that since it's way past time to get up we'll be doing the same dance again tonight at bed time. Oh the joys of toddlerhood. It's a good thing she's so cute.

A fresh new year

My last post was in July of 2011. I'll try to forget about that for the time being and concentrate on blogging more - if only for my own sanity and failing memory.

I spent my NYE and New Years Day at home in a state of perpetual misery. I have diagnosed myself with a sinus infection. Not being able to breathe is way up there on things I would rather live without. I missed church this morning. A huge bummer since I was supposed to help in Selah Jade's class. I miss those kids. Instead, I got to drag myself down to the after hours clinic and see a nurse practitioner with maybe a week worth of experience. I made the mistake of telling her that was my career goal right off the bat and she spent the rest of our time together trying to further my education. It would have been better received if I could hear anything, but alas, sinus infection.

Got home, took my antibiotic and tried to stay conscious to watch my team play what could have been their last game of the season. They lost, but they're going to the playoffs anyway because some other team's hopes were dashed. I don't know... like I was saying, brains a little fuzzy.

Tried to sleep and I just couldn't. I took a hot shower, but that didn't really help so I'm up writing in the living room so my poor husband doesn't get disturbed by my blowing my nose every 45 seconds.

We're expecting a new baby in July and I'm riding the fence about an important issue. Theology and head colds don't usually mesh well so forgive me if this comes out a bit warbled. Is warbled a word?

Is it right to tell God not to bless you any more? Isn't it a slap in his face to get one's tubes tied and say, "I'm deciding I know what's best for me. I don't want your input." We can reason it to death. I don't have the patience. I don't have the finances. I'm tired of the baby stage. I want the best quality life for the kids I already have. Is it not true that God finances his own projects? Is it so hard to trust that God would provide for children he gives when the reason you have them is because you were trusting him in the first place?

I'm having a hard time articulating here. I don't want to do the "mommy" thing for 40 years. I'd like to enjoy my husband and our retirement together. I'd like to drive something other than a bus. I'd like to finish up school and reach my career goals. I'd like to take family vacations without an infant. I'd like to have a date night where we didn't pay more for sitters for all the kids than we got to spend on ourselves for our date, but is this all just selfishness? Moses didn't want to go through all that BS with pharoah. Paul didn't want to be a nomad preacher. I'm willing to give my life to God for him to use as he sees fit. I guess I just need some wise council to figure out what God's opinion really is. Maybe if we left it in his hands, we wouldn't have any more anyway. My greatest fear... dread... is to have my youngest be a teenager and find out I'm pregnant.

That. Would. Be. Awful.

I'd like to be done after this one. That would give us 4. That's a big family by today's standards. When you consider my oldest right now is 5 and I'll have 4 kids before I'm 25, I'd say that's plenty. But I just have this seed in my spirit. I have to find out if tying the equipment up is wrong. Honestly, I'm afraid of the answer I'll get.